I am a stepmother, and being a stepmother has its challenges as I’m sure all stepmothers (and fathers) reading this can attest to; but being a stepparent also has its share of the warm and fuzzy moments too.
Being in a blended family or a step family (the two are very different) have considerable ups and downs; but these family dynamics are becoming the new normal in today’s society.
Let me first say, I wouldn't change my family for the world. Sure, I'd like to change some 'things' in my family, but I wouldn't for a second change any of the players.
My stepson is nine years old. He has been in my life and I in his, since he was three. It's always been very hard trying to get close to this child. Coming from a step family myself, I thought I knew all of the "rules", thought I knew all of the "What and What Not to do's...", and I've tried them all (I seriously have); yet after all is said and done I don’t. My relationship with my stepson remains unchanged. Most days he does not care if I exist, and could go an entire week without even saying Hello to me, unless he’s prompted to do so by his father.
This used to bother me so very much. I felt inadequate, I felt that maybe I was too strict, that maybe I was a bad person. It was the feeling you get when you realize a relationship isn’t going where you want it to, or when your partner accuses you of being too this, or too that, or when you’ve been passed up for a promotion. That feeling, you know the feeling of knowing that you could have been better, but you’re not sure how. This stepmother – stepson relationship has caused much upheaval in my life yet, my relationship with his father remains strong, we remain a united front, and so it was and is still important to me to try.
My relationship with my stepson took a different turn in the last six months. He was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. After the diagnosis, so many things started to make perfect sense. He was self-centered, a little unusual, spoke in a monotone or overly loud way, was not interested in doing anything except watching television, and could watch his sister fall off the couch and just step over her and go about his business, he would never say “Thank You”, and he would always look at me (and still does) like I was/am an alien from a different planet.
In a NT child, which means ‘Neurologically Typical’ these behaviors are considered rude, and unacceptable. We as parents see these behaviors in our kids, and we ‘parent’ them. These behaviors are typical of a child with Aspergers Syndrome, and knowing this has made life with my stepson more loving, more forgiving.
It's not easy to parent a child with special needs, not even for biological parents, but knowing that there is a reason for certain things, helps people to understand these things better.
Aspergers kids, or Aspies as some say, have limited interests. If they are interested in a certain topic though, let's say Music...then they know everything there is to know about Music (think MJ). They do not know how to read the emotions of others, so when my stepson laughs at you when you fall off your bike; don't take it personally, he just doesn't know how else to react. If it's your special day, be it your birthday or any other special occasion and he has a melt- down, or tries to draw all of the attention to himself, it's because he feels most comfortable talking about himself, and doesn't know how to react to your story.
We are still learning how to live with Aspergers. That statement sounds profoundly selfish, after all “We” don’t have Aspergers, he does. But trying to step into his shoes and understand what it must be like to read the emotions of others, what it must be like to have to weigh everything you’re going to say to someone as to not offend them really makes you just want to wrap your arms around him and tell him it will all be okay. In truth however, for the most part, he does think its ok, as he struggles to read the social cues that we so clearly see as NT’s. We are trying to adapt our parenting style to teach him the much needed coping skills for later in life.
I have so far told you about all of the struggles I have as a stepmother to my stepson, I have so far told you that it’s so challenging to not be accepted by him, but there are moments when I know exactly how much we mean to each other. This summer I had picked him up from Day Camp. As he and I were leaving, he had called to some of the kids in his class, in his typical monotone "sing-song" voice "Bye, have a good weekend". The other kids looked at each other rolling their eyes and didn't respond. One girl whispered to another "don’t talk to him". My first reaction was to jump out of the car and tell these kids how rude they were, but I had a small moment of clarity (I do get them sometimes). Here were these kids, they don't know about Aspergers, in fact on recommendation from my stepson’s therapist, he doesn’t even know he has Aspergers
I wonder how blissful all of our lives would be if we couldn't decipher human emotions? Maybe that sounds silly, but think about it; maybe us "NT's" have is all wrong?
As we drove off, I patted him on the leg, gave him a smile and off we started home whilst he talked incessantly about Art Camp. He was ok, he was going to be fine, and step or not, he was mine. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the ‘step’ in our relationship; for the first time since he was a toddler I knew everything was going to be ok, that all of the ‘players’ in our family were there for a reason, and that THIS was just the way life was supposed to be.
Being in a blended family or a step family (the two are very different) have considerable ups and downs; but these family dynamics are becoming the new normal in today’s society.
Let me first say, I wouldn't change my family for the world. Sure, I'd like to change some 'things' in my family, but I wouldn't for a second change any of the players.
My stepson is nine years old. He has been in my life and I in his, since he was three. It's always been very hard trying to get close to this child. Coming from a step family myself, I thought I knew all of the "rules", thought I knew all of the "What and What Not to do's...", and I've tried them all (I seriously have); yet after all is said and done I don’t. My relationship with my stepson remains unchanged. Most days he does not care if I exist, and could go an entire week without even saying Hello to me, unless he’s prompted to do so by his father.
This used to bother me so very much. I felt inadequate, I felt that maybe I was too strict, that maybe I was a bad person. It was the feeling you get when you realize a relationship isn’t going where you want it to, or when your partner accuses you of being too this, or too that, or when you’ve been passed up for a promotion. That feeling, you know the feeling of knowing that you could have been better, but you’re not sure how. This stepmother – stepson relationship has caused much upheaval in my life yet, my relationship with his father remains strong, we remain a united front, and so it was and is still important to me to try.
My relationship with my stepson took a different turn in the last six months. He was diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome. After the diagnosis, so many things started to make perfect sense. He was self-centered, a little unusual, spoke in a monotone or overly loud way, was not interested in doing anything except watching television, and could watch his sister fall off the couch and just step over her and go about his business, he would never say “Thank You”, and he would always look at me (and still does) like I was/am an alien from a different planet.
In a NT child, which means ‘Neurologically Typical’ these behaviors are considered rude, and unacceptable. We as parents see these behaviors in our kids, and we ‘parent’ them. These behaviors are typical of a child with Aspergers Syndrome, and knowing this has made life with my stepson more loving, more forgiving.
It's not easy to parent a child with special needs, not even for biological parents, but knowing that there is a reason for certain things, helps people to understand these things better.
Aspergers kids, or Aspies as some say, have limited interests. If they are interested in a certain topic though, let's say Music...then they know everything there is to know about Music (think MJ). They do not know how to read the emotions of others, so when my stepson laughs at you when you fall off your bike; don't take it personally, he just doesn't know how else to react. If it's your special day, be it your birthday or any other special occasion and he has a melt- down, or tries to draw all of the attention to himself, it's because he feels most comfortable talking about himself, and doesn't know how to react to your story.
We are still learning how to live with Aspergers. That statement sounds profoundly selfish, after all “We” don’t have Aspergers, he does. But trying to step into his shoes and understand what it must be like to read the emotions of others, what it must be like to have to weigh everything you’re going to say to someone as to not offend them really makes you just want to wrap your arms around him and tell him it will all be okay. In truth however, for the most part, he does think its ok, as he struggles to read the social cues that we so clearly see as NT’s. We are trying to adapt our parenting style to teach him the much needed coping skills for later in life.
I have so far told you about all of the struggles I have as a stepmother to my stepson, I have so far told you that it’s so challenging to not be accepted by him, but there are moments when I know exactly how much we mean to each other. This summer I had picked him up from Day Camp. As he and I were leaving, he had called to some of the kids in his class, in his typical monotone "sing-song" voice "Bye, have a good weekend". The other kids looked at each other rolling their eyes and didn't respond. One girl whispered to another "don’t talk to him". My first reaction was to jump out of the car and tell these kids how rude they were, but I had a small moment of clarity (I do get them sometimes). Here were these kids, they don't know about Aspergers, in fact on recommendation from my stepson’s therapist, he doesn’t even know he has Aspergers
I wonder how blissful all of our lives would be if we couldn't decipher human emotions? Maybe that sounds silly, but think about it; maybe us "NT's" have is all wrong?
As we drove off, I patted him on the leg, gave him a smile and off we started home whilst he talked incessantly about Art Camp. He was ok, he was going to be fine, and step or not, he was mine. And for the first time in a long time, I didn’t feel the ‘step’ in our relationship; for the first time since he was a toddler I knew everything was going to be ok, that all of the ‘players’ in our family were there for a reason, and that THIS was just the way life was supposed to be.
This is a wonderful post Heather......
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